


Cigarette Break

by bratassly



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 13:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18011708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratassly/pseuds/bratassly
Summary: "We would've been good.""Oh, we would've been amazing together."





	Cigarette Break

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song ‘Cigarette Break’ by Gavin James.

Colin inhaled deeply, his eyes slipping shut as he breathed out a sigh of relief, the cloud of smoke being dragged away quickly by the wind.

"I thought you quit." 

He didn't have to open his eyes to know who was currently stood in front of him, but he did so anyway; smiling a greeting at his friend who was currently holding a lighter up to his own cigarette.

When the only reply Colin gave was an unapologetic shrug, Ryan grinned amusedly before moving to lean against the wall opposite Colin, stretching his legs out so their toes were touching. They fell into a comfortable silence. 

Colin finished first but he waited, watching Ryan stare into space. The man was clearly lost in thought and the look on his face made Colin want nothing more than to know what was on the man's mind.

Ryan must have been aware of Colin's eyes trained on him because he spoke without moving, inclining his head only slightly in Colin's direction, "D'you think things'd be different if I hadn't met her?"

Something caught in Colin's throat and he was silent for a while, never once daring to tear his eyes away from his best friend's face.

He only replied when Ryan slowly turned to look at him, an expectant gaze set on his face. Colin cleared his throat and frowned, "Her?"

He and Ryan were both aware that Colin knew exactly who Ryan was referring to. Ryan didn't say anything about it though, only pausing for a moment before answering.

"Pat. If I'd never met her, d'you think we'd- do you think things'd be different?" 

Eyes flickering to the door, Colin wanted nothing more than to walk away and save this conversation for another day. But this had been a long time coming; he knew it and apparently Ryan did as well. He'd been waiting for the right time to bring it up but if they kept avoiding it, the right time might never appear. 

That didn't mean he had to be the one to say what they were both thinking.

"How so?"

A quiet chuckle rose from Ryan's chest, almost silent and, had it not been for their close proximity and the lack of noise outside, Colin probably wouldn't have heard the laugh at all. 

Ryan didn't reply for a while, remaining quiet under the pretence of bringing his cigarette to his lips and breathing in, glancing around the parking lot and exhaling shakily. But the cigarette was almost finished and without the excuse for rearranging his thoughts, Colin wondered if Ryan would still be stood where he was. 

"I mean, well, things were good with us. And then I met Pat and we-" Ryan looked down at the thing between his fingers, sighing raggedly, "D'you think we could've- would've stood a chance?" 

Ryan straightened his back abruptly and threw his cigarette down, stubbing it out with his toe before leaning back against the wall, folding his arms in a clear sign to Colin that he wasn't going anywhere. After all these years spent together, they'd grown so in touch with each other that even the smallest of actions could speak more than words. 

Suddenly Colin wasn't so sure if we wanted to have this conversation after all. His throat seemed to tighten up and all words escaped him. But one glance up at his friend who was staring supportively into his eyes, Colin knew they felt the same. They only needed to say the words.

"I guess, I like to think we would."  

Ryan nodded slowly, an affirmative gesture that no doubt meant he agreed.

"Too bad we couldn't figure that out back then."

"I knew." Colin sighed, his eyes flickering to the floor and then back to Ryan's piercing gaze. The next time he spoke it was a whisper but Colin supposed it was more of an assurance to himself, a quiet acknowledgment of his thoughts being valid, "I knew."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Ryan tilted his head to the side, trying to meet Colin's gaze which was currently fixed on the ground.

"You were with Pat." Colin shook his head and corrected himself, "You are with Pat. You love Pat."

Colin said it matter-of-factly but a part of him wished for Ryan to tell him otherwise. Silence washed over them, cold and empty and Colin found himself longing again to be back inside and in front of the audience.

"I loved you, y'know?"

Colin rolled his eyes, "Of course I knew that. You told me const-"

"-No, Col, I mean, I-" Ryan broke off again, chuckling bemusedly, shaking his head and letting it drop down so he was looking at the floor, "I really loved you, like-"

Colin hoped Ryan didn't hear the small gasp that escaped his lips, "Oh." 

Ryan laughed again, awkwardly and in embarrassment. He lifted his head up to meet Colin's gaze, his eyes full of a vulnerability Colin had never seen before and, judging by the uncomfortable and unsure look on his friend's face, Colin supposed Ryan had never really felt this vulnerable at all before. 

"I loved you too, Ry." Colin was surprised at how sure and steady his voice sounded, never once giving away the emotions and thoughts running rampant within his head. He decided to take advantage of his false confidence, "I still do, I guess."

Apparently his confidence was a one off. His last sentence came out in a soft whisper, his voice trailing off near the end. Colin hated the heat that rushed to his cheeks. 

Ryan chuckled quietly again and Colin noticed that Ryan had been doing that more and more frequently as their conversation evolved. He guessed that was Ryan's new excuse to stall time now that his cigarette was absent.

"I guess we missed out on something good then." Ryan paused, trailing his eyes from Colin's chest to his face, a soft smile on his face, "We would've been good."

"Oh, we would've been amazing together." Colin returned the wistful smile, a sense of yearning for a time long gone building up in his chest as he took in the sight of his long time best friend. 

The silence fell upon them again, however this time it was comfortable, nice almost. Regret rose to the top of both of their minds but being in each other's company and the thought of what their life would've been like together seemed to dull the ache, even for a small moment.

Colin broke the silence after a while, taking a deep breath before speaking, "We've had a good life, though. We got lucky, Ry."

His friend nodded in agreement and Colin thought of his wonderful wife and his daughter. Ryan had a loving wife and three kids of his own. They really had anything they could've wished for and they'd be stupid to not appreciate everything they'd managed to build around themselves. 

"It's not enough though." Ryan whispered, reaching across to pull Colin's hand into his own, turning it over and tracing the palm gently.

Colin swallowed thickly, watching Ryan's slow movements, "You're right, it isn't. But it has to be." 

Ryan didn't answer, instead bringing Colin's hand up to his own cheek and holding it there for a moment. He dropped it after a while, crossing his arms again and leaning back against the wall like it had never happened.

"What now?"

Colin shrugged, looking to the door again and watching a member of the stage crew burst through them, glance around the car park before spotting them and waving frantically. Colin pretended not to notice and turned back to Ryan, aware of the young man jogging over to them.

"Now we carry on with the way things were." Colin stood up off the wall and Ryan stood up immediately after. Ryan must have thought he was leaving because the man suddenly stepped forward and pulled Colin into his arms, tilting his head forward to lean his forehead on Colin's shoulder.

Colin froze for a moment, aware of the approaching footsteps before falling into the embrace, wrapping both arms around Ryan's waist, bringing his hands up to grip at the man's shoulders. He felt Ryan's nose nudge his neck and realised his heavy breathing was replicated by the other man. He buried his face into Ryan's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut tight and imagining again how different things would've been if he'd told Ryan how he felt all those years ago.

He would've happily stayed this way forever, just the two of them hiding behind the building. But they weren't young anymore. He lifted his head up, lingering close to Ryan who pulled back so he could look deep into Colin's eyes. It felt almost like a goodbye. And perhaps it was, maybe it was best for the both of them.

One wistful, apologetic, longing smile passed between them and then Colin stepped back completely, turning to walk towards the doors, smiling encouragingly at the young man stood in black clothing, a bewildered expression on his face.

Colin never looked back, not when he heard the young man ask if Ryan was alright, not when he heard a third pair of footsteps and not when he stepped inside, the door closing on Ryan and what could have been.


End file.
